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People ask me all sorts of questions about my night job as a mortician. So, here are some explanantions and answers.
1. We do NOT hang people from meat hooks and drain the blood from theri feet. We drain blood by making an incision in your jugular vein while injecting embalming fluid (a mixture of water and formaldehyde) into your carotid artery assuming you still have the upper part of your body and are not mangled.

2. We are NOT overpaid. In fact, most morticians are not paid very much. The average cost for embalming is about $500, about the cost of cosmetic treatments which are much less work and much less infection exposure. The embalmer never gets that. We expose ourselves to blood and other possibly harmful fluids and tissues, we are on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week, the industry is mostly women and we hurt our backs trying to move around bodies and caskets at ungodly hours. Unless you own the funeral home, you dont make lots of money. Its also not a glamorous job. People tend to forget all the struggle and hours and risks that a mortician puts in.

3. We do NOT cut the lower half of people off. You can ask to see the rest of the body if you want. Just raise the other top on the casket. I promise, if the person died with legs, they go in the ground with them. We dont keep spare parts.

4. We DO have a sense of humor. You cnat work in this business if you dont. You would go crazy like some people have. In fact, my embalming instructor lost his mind in the prep room one day and was never allowed to go back into the prep room. He was crying and crouched under the embalming table.

5. We do NOT all look like death. I think i have a pretty healthy pigment.

6. We do NOT break teeth to get your mouth shut. If you died with really big teeth and a small pair of lips, we just sew your jawbones shut and try our best to pull your lips over your teeth. But, that is rare.

7. We do NOT break bones of any kind. If you die in a fetal position, hot water and hours of trying to warm your muscles into relaxing is how we straighten you out. After a day of that i usually go home in the fetal position.

8. Last but not least or even all. Yes, dead people fart and its atrocious. Try and take care of that before you die if you can. It always hurts my feelings when i am working around you and you pinch off a dead one.

Sorry if anyone was offended but this is what i do and have

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Comment by Eric Garlow on February 20, 2009 at 10:43am
I agree with JeremyRogers: Wow...
Comment by Sheila Calhoun on January 18, 2009 at 7:44pm
Welcome, Nubian! I now have a much deeper understanding and appreciate for the work morticians do. Good to keep that sense of humor too. Hope to meet you sometime.
Comment by Alex Campbell on January 18, 2009 at 10:57am
Disc golfer, mortician, AND beautiful! Awesome.
Comment by Tino "SilverBack" Medina on January 17, 2009 at 8:32pm
I know what you do is crazy. In my job, some times we get to investigate and see some of the bodies that are going your way. More so wiht animals but I have seen my share of dead people at this job. I respect what you do becuase not everyone can do it. I can only imagine you and "stiffs" all day. lol
Comment by Jamie 'gr8rocshot' Ruane on January 17, 2009 at 5:40pm
Whoot whoot!!!! Lets Waltz!!! LMAO!!!
Comment by eric beich on January 17, 2009 at 5:33pm
shazweet!!! now I just have to make sure I die before you do :)
Comment by The Nubian on January 17, 2009 at 2:39pm
Awwwwww, Donny....that was sweet.
Comment by Donny Olow on January 17, 2009 at 1:06pm
I thought you were a model !!!!
Comment by The Nubian on January 17, 2009 at 11:17am
Thank you all! And yes Jamie you can be my Gomez, and yes Eric i can be your mortician
Comment by JeremyRogers on January 17, 2009 at 1:34am

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